Where does the time go?

Another weekend comes and goes and I don't know what happened ... seems the older I get, the faster time goes, and the more I need to get done, but the less I actually do?? Do you feel the same way?

One thing for sure, priorities do change, as they should. My days of chasing kids, hurrying home to make sure hubby has the perfect dinner he wants, and trying(in vain, I might add) to keep a decently clean house are all a thing of the past. Kids are grown and living their own lives, being who they are --- hubby never assumes his dinner will be cooked, let alone to his specifications, and the house, well, what the Hell, I just don't like to clean and that is that! I like clean, I just don't want to be a slave to a house anymore. In fact, I don't really want to be a slave to anything. I do still work, and enjoy it, although this too, is now a challenge, as it seems they are always trying to figure out ways to get more of me, and damn it, I have given all my life, and if a good days work isn't good enough, well, don't know what else to say about that. I have always worked hard and longer than I had to, just to try to go above and beyond - that is just who I am.

Alas, with so many pieces of my life puzzle in place(or in place as much as they are gonna fit!), when I look at it from an objective view, I realize that like many women, most of my life has been in service to others, which is not a bad legacy, but sadly, I got left behind. Hence, the journey and the need to find and fulfill who I am. I never thought about health, and have always been pretty healthy, except for the weight. Now, I realize that wasn't healthy either, but for those who are old enough to remember, we didn't know what we do now. Maybe we didn't have to ... we didn't always load our food with chemicals and preservatives and cook meals from the microwave --- hmm -- tired, think on all that!

And again she speaks ...

I know -- it's been awhile. My mind races constantly and I have these thoughts and ideas and plans to blog, but then I finish work, and wife and homemaker duties, and the next thing I know, the day is done, and I am mentally and physically exhausted. Not to mention, a few computer issues of late, all three adult children's birthday, and the day to day things that come along in this journey we call life. At any rate, gonna try to work on getting out here more, because I enjoy taking the time to put my thoughts and aspirations, and even my disappointments and failures out here for all to see.

I have been pondering my writings on here, and wondering if I was doing this blog "right" ... well, I don't know ... are there rules? Gosh I hope not, life is so damn full of rules that sometimes I just want to scream and RUN! I mean, we gotta have them, but it just seems to me that some things ought to be subject to my rules. So that leads me to this -- what are my rules for my blog?

• nothing is taboo(is that how you spell this word?!)
• what comes up, comes out
• be honest
• be me, just as I am, in the moment
• let others think as they will and comment as they wish
• if you don't like my blog, go find yourself another one or create your own!
• what I choose to say on here, belongs to me, and I must take ownership of it
• I don't want this to have to be prettied up or perfect
• leave my expectations at the door when I come into the blog -- just enjoy the sheer freedom I have in expressing myself - it has only been half a century in the making!

I don't guess all of this makes "a hill of beans difference" as my grandmother used to say, since for now, no one is following my blog, except my son, who sees me as MOM, and that's okay, since that's who I am to him! His loyalty is appreciated!

I have tried to keep a journal for a long time, but here we are in techno land, and I find it to be so much easier to type than to write! I hope that my writings will inspire others to stop and take a look at who they are, where they are, and what they hope to become. One thing I have learned, is that life ain't always pretty! I left idealism long ago, though I do find it to have value to a degree! So, I just want y'all to know I might post some things that are personal, but nothing I don't want to be out here(otherwise, I would not post it) and certainly nothing I have shame over.

I have had a complicated life, been climbing mountains forever, and it seems that not too much has come easy. I never really had parents, and I married young and dumb, and had two children right out of the starting gate. Only in the last three or so years, have I stopped and truly began to say, "HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME?" One of my hopes is that someday, other women will read these ramblings, and realize it is okay to be who they are. I too, am still working on grasping this concept, but I do know it to be a truth -- I am just fine, right here, right now, just like I am, thank you all very much! Problem is, some days, I know it, but don't embrace it, like I said.

Being a woman is complicated, and all the more so, if we happened to have the misfortune of being drug through the land of dysfunction. Coming out of that is no picnic. For me, food has been my confidante for as long as I can remember, and food, although I love you, I need to learn to enjoy you, and not expect you to be my "feelings" replacement, which is exactly how it has always been. I am clearly an emotional eater, and I clearly lose self control when complicated emotions cross my path. At least I can say it now, which for me, counts as a victory.

Learning to express myself and be okay with it, accepting my shortcomings as opportunities for growth, and realizing that food won't make me happy are all on my list of "to do's" I hope, one day, to fully embrace ME, and accept me. A daunting task, it is, but not an impossible one, when I look back at where I have been in days gone by already. Again, all of these things are components in my journey to health and wholeness -- at least, I am on the road!