Where does the time go?

Another weekend comes and goes and I don't know what happened ... seems the older I get, the faster time goes, and the more I need to get done, but the less I actually do?? Do you feel the same way?

One thing for sure, priorities do change, as they should. My days of chasing kids, hurrying home to make sure hubby has the perfect dinner he wants, and trying(in vain, I might add) to keep a decently clean house are all a thing of the past. Kids are grown and living their own lives, being who they are --- hubby never assumes his dinner will be cooked, let alone to his specifications, and the house, well, what the Hell, I just don't like to clean and that is that! I like clean, I just don't want to be a slave to a house anymore. In fact, I don't really want to be a slave to anything. I do still work, and enjoy it, although this too, is now a challenge, as it seems they are always trying to figure out ways to get more of me, and damn it, I have given all my life, and if a good days work isn't good enough, well, don't know what else to say about that. I have always worked hard and longer than I had to, just to try to go above and beyond - that is just who I am.

Alas, with so many pieces of my life puzzle in place(or in place as much as they are gonna fit!), when I look at it from an objective view, I realize that like many women, most of my life has been in service to others, which is not a bad legacy, but sadly, I got left behind. Hence, the journey and the need to find and fulfill who I am. I never thought about health, and have always been pretty healthy, except for the weight. Now, I realize that wasn't healthy either, but for those who are old enough to remember, we didn't know what we do now. Maybe we didn't have to ... we didn't always load our food with chemicals and preservatives and cook meals from the microwave --- hmm -- tired, think on all that!

And again she speaks ...

I know -- it's been awhile. My mind races constantly and I have these thoughts and ideas and plans to blog, but then I finish work, and wife and homemaker duties, and the next thing I know, the day is done, and I am mentally and physically exhausted. Not to mention, a few computer issues of late, all three adult children's birthday, and the day to day things that come along in this journey we call life. At any rate, gonna try to work on getting out here more, because I enjoy taking the time to put my thoughts and aspirations, and even my disappointments and failures out here for all to see.

I have been pondering my writings on here, and wondering if I was doing this blog "right" ... well, I don't know ... are there rules? Gosh I hope not, life is so damn full of rules that sometimes I just want to scream and RUN! I mean, we gotta have them, but it just seems to me that some things ought to be subject to my rules. So that leads me to this -- what are my rules for my blog?

• nothing is taboo(is that how you spell this word?!)
• what comes up, comes out
• be honest
• be me, just as I am, in the moment
• let others think as they will and comment as they wish
• if you don't like my blog, go find yourself another one or create your own!
• what I choose to say on here, belongs to me, and I must take ownership of it
• I don't want this to have to be prettied up or perfect
• leave my expectations at the door when I come into the blog -- just enjoy the sheer freedom I have in expressing myself - it has only been half a century in the making!

I don't guess all of this makes "a hill of beans difference" as my grandmother used to say, since for now, no one is following my blog, except my son, who sees me as MOM, and that's okay, since that's who I am to him! His loyalty is appreciated!

I have tried to keep a journal for a long time, but here we are in techno land, and I find it to be so much easier to type than to write! I hope that my writings will inspire others to stop and take a look at who they are, where they are, and what they hope to become. One thing I have learned, is that life ain't always pretty! I left idealism long ago, though I do find it to have value to a degree! So, I just want y'all to know I might post some things that are personal, but nothing I don't want to be out here(otherwise, I would not post it) and certainly nothing I have shame over.

I have had a complicated life, been climbing mountains forever, and it seems that not too much has come easy. I never really had parents, and I married young and dumb, and had two children right out of the starting gate. Only in the last three or so years, have I stopped and truly began to say, "HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME?" One of my hopes is that someday, other women will read these ramblings, and realize it is okay to be who they are. I too, am still working on grasping this concept, but I do know it to be a truth -- I am just fine, right here, right now, just like I am, thank you all very much! Problem is, some days, I know it, but don't embrace it, like I said.

Being a woman is complicated, and all the more so, if we happened to have the misfortune of being drug through the land of dysfunction. Coming out of that is no picnic. For me, food has been my confidante for as long as I can remember, and food, although I love you, I need to learn to enjoy you, and not expect you to be my "feelings" replacement, which is exactly how it has always been. I am clearly an emotional eater, and I clearly lose self control when complicated emotions cross my path. At least I can say it now, which for me, counts as a victory.

Learning to express myself and be okay with it, accepting my shortcomings as opportunities for growth, and realizing that food won't make me happy are all on my list of "to do's" I hope, one day, to fully embrace ME, and accept me. A daunting task, it is, but not an impossible one, when I look back at where I have been in days gone by already. Again, all of these things are components in my journey to health and wholeness -- at least, I am on the road!

Taking care of ME

Still trying to paractice taking care of me, and learning more every day. One of the things I have learned is that often times, when you take care of yourself, the ones you love are not necessarily supportive of that all the time. I can understand this, but I can no longer sit by and just let things that bother me go unmentioned. I don't intend to offend, but know that in standing for myself, there are those who will be offended. This boundary setting is extremely difficult for some to understand, and some never will, but I have to move forward nonetheless. More on this another day, but just wanted to mention that the more I exercise my own personal truth, the more I see that this is not always met with a warm and fuzzy response.

Something I just found that I wanted to share ... "Live your life for yourself ... if you live for someone else, it's not your life but theirs, and they have the power to destroy it."

Spent too much of my life for everybody elses wants and feelings -- time to take a stand for my own. Those who truly love, honor and respect me will be happy for me, even if they don't always agree with me. Oh, and I won't always do everything perfect, so get over it, folks -- I am a learning, growing human being just like the rest of the world.

What's that phrase again? Oh, yeah, I remember ... "I am perfect just the way that I am, comma, but with room for improvement." Thank you God, that I don't have all the answers yet!

This has been a very fun day!

I have had the day off, which is always nice, but I made my first loaf of whole wheat bread in my bread machine --- needs work -- inside texture is great, but outside is too crusty, so have to find a fix for that. I thought this might be a trial and error experiment, but you know what, I know what went in here, and I know there are no preservatives or enhancers.

The major discovery I have made in the eating portion of this journey, over time, is that the less ingredients, and the more fresh the food, usually this means better nutrition for me. I mean, let's take the bread, for example ... whole wheat flour, water, olive oil, honey, salt, and yeast ... that's it! Simple and fresh ... I love it!

Keeping the grandpup overnight and enjoying him so ~ Magnus is fun to watch, as he is a very busy boy - never seems to stop or slow down much. He actually wears our shepherd pup, Cash, down, which is an accomplishment in and of itself.

Well, y'all, it's off to work on dinner for the hubby and daughter - and me! Having marinated, grilled pork tenderloin, fresh organic, locally grown green beans, steamed potatoes, and of course, fresh sliced bread -- yummy for the tummy.

New Things to try ...

So, today, I made a little trip to my favorite grocery, Whole Foods! No matter how many times I go there, I get excited becuase I know I will always find something new and healthy to try. My biggest struggle when I go there is my wallet! Speaking of my wallet, once I left the store, and was driving home, I thought about this ... why is it that we think nothing of dropping money in a fast food drive thru or a restaurant, and fill up on mostly fat, sodium and that cholesterol laden food, but if someone mentions shopping in a store like Whole Foods, the usual response is something like this ... "I would love to eat better, but I can't afford to shop there -- they cost too much." Well, I would say that shopping on a budget is the norm for me, and it most certainly can be done!! In fact, more and more of my food comes into my house as fresh and healthy and organic, whenever possible.

Today, I was on a mission of sorts. A wonderful lady, whom I am proud to call a friend of mine, has recently begun milling her own wheat and baking her own bread. I am fascinated with the entire concept, but cannot afford to jump in and do this on a lark. I need to know that I am going to commit to it, and need to save up some money to get going with this, as it is a somewhat costly undertaking. My sweet husband reminded me last night that I have a breadmaker, and he was sweet enough to go get it out for me, so that is my first checkoff. I need to see if the breadmaker motor I have is able to sustain the making of whole wheat breads. If so, I am good on that for a while, and if not, I will have to brave the yeast monster. Yep, the yeast monster is my nemesis! I seem to do it wrong every time I touch it -- kill it, so my dough doesn't rise right, then there is the kneading and all of that. Martha Stewart, I am not! Maybe sort of a mini Martha at times, but nonetheless, I like convenience and simple too! Soooo, I need to be able to have a functional bread making machine and let it tackle the yeast monster for me!

For now, I am using organic stone ground whole wheat flour, pure honey, and all the good stuff to make my bread. If this goes well, the next step will be to work on a grain mill, and grind my own wheat. Now, I am sure getting to that point will take a little time, but as I said, I don't want to go in over my head ... one step at a time! I feel certain that grinding my own grains would be the way to go --- again, buying it in a bag, even at Whole Foods still has its possible issues. If I do it myself from scratch, I have that control over what is coming in my house and untimately finding its way to my stomach.

I am so committed to my journey now that I find that I seek out new and better ways to give myself the opportunity to be healthy, so I must constantly seek ways to improve tomorrow on what I do today.

Will be posting tomorrow on the first batch of whole wheat bread --- let's hope it comes out well!!! I am so excited.

And, my daughter in law has been instrumental in getting me to learn to make my own sushi. She got sushi classes and a rice cooker as part of her birthday gifts, and I was sitting there thinking what a waste it is for me to buy sushi when, again, if I make my own, I have control over what goes in it, and how it is made -- and I can make mine with brown rice, which is not always an option in other places.

GOOD TIMES!!!!

BREAKTHROUGH?!!

Now today was full of surprises! And, I loved it!

My sweet husband, who has multiple health issues, and needs to lose weight and find health maybe even more than me, seems to be coming around ... I have fallen in love with Larabars, as they are totally natural and completely unprocessed. Well, today, after trying several, hubby seems to be making a turn in the right direction, because he actually asked ME for half a Larabar!!

Coming from a man who has fought me tooth and nail on this health thing, today represented a huge victory -- for him!! I am truly hoping he is beginning to see that eating well is not only good for you, but tastes good too!!

And, he seems to be less resistant to healthy dietary choices. Sometimes I choose for him, since I am the cook in the house, and sometimes, I ask him what he wants and let him choose his food. This is because I, myself, have realized that the only lasting changes are the ones we freely choose, not the ones that are forced on us. If I succeed, it is because I have used my freedom of choice to pick the right things for myself ... so it is for all of us.

I would say this is a VICTORY DAY!!!

Just another manic Monday!

Oh my ---- another Monday draws to a close! Hurrah! I hope everyone who reads this had a somewhat uneventful day, but in case you didn't, just remember that everything, and I mean EVERYTHING happens for a reason!

Been thinking about my mother today for some reason ... and how I finally have my own inner space that belongs to me where I can be, think, feel, and keep out the things that seek to destroy my peace and who I now know I am. I love that I am getting this boundary thing down pat!

I cannot believe I have spent my entire life thinking that I was here to serve and "fix" and be what somebody else wanted me to be! I am speaking mainly of my parents, both of whom were highly dysfunctional, and taught me from the cradle, I think that I was here for them and to do what they wanted and be what they wanted.

My mom was a severe Type 1 diabetic who died when I was 12. My main memories of her are not those loving mother/daughter moments. Rather they are of her pitching a temper tantrum because she didn't get her way about something. Her way of "getting them back' was that she would eat a bag of chocolate chip cookies, which, for those of you who do not know, would render her insulin useless, throw her into a diabetic coma, and she would hit the floor. Problem was, her husband, my father, was out chasing any other woman but his wife, so guess who got the job of rescuing her? YEP, that was me, and I truly thought I was put on this earth to raise my mother and take care of her. The years went on and by the time I was 8, the parents divorced, my dad disappeared out of life for a few years, and my mom's health continued to deteriorate, such that by the time I was in 6th grade, her parents had to put her in a nursing home, because I could no longer care for her by myself ... what the Hell was I doing taking care of her anyway, but you know what, I didn't know that as a child -- I thought it was what I was supposed to be doing, so the remaining year and a half of my mother's life, I spent my entire weekends at a nursing home with my mother. This, instead of playing, or being with my friends, or going to slumber parties or whatever it is that young girls do. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved my mother with all my heart, but this is not what a child is put on this earth to do! The parent is to nurture, love, protect, and raise the child ... not the other way around~ and what is perhaps more significant than that is this --- I did not clearly understand this until about 6 months ago.

So, Mom, I missed you after you died when I was 12, but the truth is that you were never really here for me, and I have had one hard time trying to find my way in this world thanks to you and Daddy -- yes, I'll be getting to him, it isn't all your fault! I don't think you ever meant to hurt me, but Mama, I was just lost because you just weren't there to show me the way, and now that I have worked through all the anger, I feel sorry for you, because I was brought into this world and you missed the chance to build a functional relationship with me. You never got to see what I could be or who I am, and you misse the chance to be a positive part of that -- you know, jsut being my Mama. Don't worry, I turned out okay, and I finally know that I am worthy as a person to be loved and honored, respected, and treated with dignity. I have learned how to laugh and cry from within, and admit when I hurt and get disappointed. I suspect, that somewhere along the track, you missed that yourself; otherwise, you wouldn't have done this to me. Most important of all, I just want you to know that I forgive you.

If anybody else ever reads this blog that has either been in my shoes as a child growing up, if you can take a stand, don't EVER let anybody tell you or do things to you that send messages to you that you are not worthy. Don't believe the lie that you are here to serve and protect the parent! Sadly, this happens in this world every day, but I just want to tell you that they are telling you a lie, and you deserve better. Tell somebody, do what you can to help yourself. I know that as children, often we are stuck in a situation, or believe that we are. In my day, there were no blogs, or internet, or child advocates ... we just did what we were told and didn't ask questions. Your parent likely loves you, and is so caught up in their own dysfunction, that they do not even see what they are doing to you. And, as is the case with my dad, never will, but that is another blog -- maybe several!

If you read this, and you are a parent who expects your child to be there for you instead of the other way around, go get some help for yourself because you need to. No child is deserving of being brought into this world to serve the parent's needs -- that's why you have a husband or wife. Grown ups need to be grown ups and kids need to be kids. Shame on you, because you are doing severe damage to your child, piercing hurt and pain is surrounding them every day, and all so they can take care of you?? You need help, and fast. If you did this to your kids, and they are grown, get a grip on yourself, and go seek forgiveness from that son or daughter -- because they love you no matter what, and covet your love, so they are willing to do just about anything to try to get it, even now. I tried with my own father until I finally realized that his own needs would always be more important to him than even considering mine -- sadly, I had to cut the ties and walk away, and even though I had to do that for myself, I will alway miss that I will never really have a daddy.

I see this in other people's lives sometimes, and I am so saddened that a parent has such a need to control and keep their child, young or grown, for themselves, that they will do ANYTHING to keep the child on a string. Soooo sad, when all you really have to do is love them -- wow, this has been therapeutic for me, but I have probably poured my heart out too much ... I needed to say it for me. I am so thankful to be out of my own prison that I have been trapped in for my whole life! If you have not had to endure such things, rejoice, if you have, find a way out of the valley, and if, like me, you have walked out of the valley into freedom, it is truly time to start living! Living free, being me! I love it!!

Last thought --- had I not been where I have been, I would not be where I am! This has been a long time coming, but now I can leave this on the side of the road and continue on in my journey of genuine health --- good for my soul to embrace the freedom.