Just another manic Monday!

Oh my ---- another Monday draws to a close! Hurrah! I hope everyone who reads this had a somewhat uneventful day, but in case you didn't, just remember that everything, and I mean EVERYTHING happens for a reason!

Been thinking about my mother today for some reason ... and how I finally have my own inner space that belongs to me where I can be, think, feel, and keep out the things that seek to destroy my peace and who I now know I am. I love that I am getting this boundary thing down pat!

I cannot believe I have spent my entire life thinking that I was here to serve and "fix" and be what somebody else wanted me to be! I am speaking mainly of my parents, both of whom were highly dysfunctional, and taught me from the cradle, I think that I was here for them and to do what they wanted and be what they wanted.

My mom was a severe Type 1 diabetic who died when I was 12. My main memories of her are not those loving mother/daughter moments. Rather they are of her pitching a temper tantrum because she didn't get her way about something. Her way of "getting them back' was that she would eat a bag of chocolate chip cookies, which, for those of you who do not know, would render her insulin useless, throw her into a diabetic coma, and she would hit the floor. Problem was, her husband, my father, was out chasing any other woman but his wife, so guess who got the job of rescuing her? YEP, that was me, and I truly thought I was put on this earth to raise my mother and take care of her. The years went on and by the time I was 8, the parents divorced, my dad disappeared out of life for a few years, and my mom's health continued to deteriorate, such that by the time I was in 6th grade, her parents had to put her in a nursing home, because I could no longer care for her by myself ... what the Hell was I doing taking care of her anyway, but you know what, I didn't know that as a child -- I thought it was what I was supposed to be doing, so the remaining year and a half of my mother's life, I spent my entire weekends at a nursing home with my mother. This, instead of playing, or being with my friends, or going to slumber parties or whatever it is that young girls do. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved my mother with all my heart, but this is not what a child is put on this earth to do! The parent is to nurture, love, protect, and raise the child ... not the other way around~ and what is perhaps more significant than that is this --- I did not clearly understand this until about 6 months ago.

So, Mom, I missed you after you died when I was 12, but the truth is that you were never really here for me, and I have had one hard time trying to find my way in this world thanks to you and Daddy -- yes, I'll be getting to him, it isn't all your fault! I don't think you ever meant to hurt me, but Mama, I was just lost because you just weren't there to show me the way, and now that I have worked through all the anger, I feel sorry for you, because I was brought into this world and you missed the chance to build a functional relationship with me. You never got to see what I could be or who I am, and you misse the chance to be a positive part of that -- you know, jsut being my Mama. Don't worry, I turned out okay, and I finally know that I am worthy as a person to be loved and honored, respected, and treated with dignity. I have learned how to laugh and cry from within, and admit when I hurt and get disappointed. I suspect, that somewhere along the track, you missed that yourself; otherwise, you wouldn't have done this to me. Most important of all, I just want you to know that I forgive you.

If anybody else ever reads this blog that has either been in my shoes as a child growing up, if you can take a stand, don't EVER let anybody tell you or do things to you that send messages to you that you are not worthy. Don't believe the lie that you are here to serve and protect the parent! Sadly, this happens in this world every day, but I just want to tell you that they are telling you a lie, and you deserve better. Tell somebody, do what you can to help yourself. I know that as children, often we are stuck in a situation, or believe that we are. In my day, there were no blogs, or internet, or child advocates ... we just did what we were told and didn't ask questions. Your parent likely loves you, and is so caught up in their own dysfunction, that they do not even see what they are doing to you. And, as is the case with my dad, never will, but that is another blog -- maybe several!

If you read this, and you are a parent who expects your child to be there for you instead of the other way around, go get some help for yourself because you need to. No child is deserving of being brought into this world to serve the parent's needs -- that's why you have a husband or wife. Grown ups need to be grown ups and kids need to be kids. Shame on you, because you are doing severe damage to your child, piercing hurt and pain is surrounding them every day, and all so they can take care of you?? You need help, and fast. If you did this to your kids, and they are grown, get a grip on yourself, and go seek forgiveness from that son or daughter -- because they love you no matter what, and covet your love, so they are willing to do just about anything to try to get it, even now. I tried with my own father until I finally realized that his own needs would always be more important to him than even considering mine -- sadly, I had to cut the ties and walk away, and even though I had to do that for myself, I will alway miss that I will never really have a daddy.

I see this in other people's lives sometimes, and I am so saddened that a parent has such a need to control and keep their child, young or grown, for themselves, that they will do ANYTHING to keep the child on a string. Soooo sad, when all you really have to do is love them -- wow, this has been therapeutic for me, but I have probably poured my heart out too much ... I needed to say it for me. I am so thankful to be out of my own prison that I have been trapped in for my whole life! If you have not had to endure such things, rejoice, if you have, find a way out of the valley, and if, like me, you have walked out of the valley into freedom, it is truly time to start living! Living free, being me! I love it!!

Last thought --- had I not been where I have been, I would not be where I am! This has been a long time coming, but now I can leave this on the side of the road and continue on in my journey of genuine health --- good for my soul to embrace the freedom.