Just another manic Monday!

Oh my ---- another Monday draws to a close! Hurrah! I hope everyone who reads this had a somewhat uneventful day, but in case you didn't, just remember that everything, and I mean EVERYTHING happens for a reason!

Been thinking about my mother today for some reason ... and how I finally have my own inner space that belongs to me where I can be, think, feel, and keep out the things that seek to destroy my peace and who I now know I am. I love that I am getting this boundary thing down pat!

I cannot believe I have spent my entire life thinking that I was here to serve and "fix" and be what somebody else wanted me to be! I am speaking mainly of my parents, both of whom were highly dysfunctional, and taught me from the cradle, I think that I was here for them and to do what they wanted and be what they wanted.

My mom was a severe Type 1 diabetic who died when I was 12. My main memories of her are not those loving mother/daughter moments. Rather they are of her pitching a temper tantrum because she didn't get her way about something. Her way of "getting them back' was that she would eat a bag of chocolate chip cookies, which, for those of you who do not know, would render her insulin useless, throw her into a diabetic coma, and she would hit the floor. Problem was, her husband, my father, was out chasing any other woman but his wife, so guess who got the job of rescuing her? YEP, that was me, and I truly thought I was put on this earth to raise my mother and take care of her. The years went on and by the time I was 8, the parents divorced, my dad disappeared out of life for a few years, and my mom's health continued to deteriorate, such that by the time I was in 6th grade, her parents had to put her in a nursing home, because I could no longer care for her by myself ... what the Hell was I doing taking care of her anyway, but you know what, I didn't know that as a child -- I thought it was what I was supposed to be doing, so the remaining year and a half of my mother's life, I spent my entire weekends at a nursing home with my mother. This, instead of playing, or being with my friends, or going to slumber parties or whatever it is that young girls do. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved my mother with all my heart, but this is not what a child is put on this earth to do! The parent is to nurture, love, protect, and raise the child ... not the other way around~ and what is perhaps more significant than that is this --- I did not clearly understand this until about 6 months ago.

So, Mom, I missed you after you died when I was 12, but the truth is that you were never really here for me, and I have had one hard time trying to find my way in this world thanks to you and Daddy -- yes, I'll be getting to him, it isn't all your fault! I don't think you ever meant to hurt me, but Mama, I was just lost because you just weren't there to show me the way, and now that I have worked through all the anger, I feel sorry for you, because I was brought into this world and you missed the chance to build a functional relationship with me. You never got to see what I could be or who I am, and you misse the chance to be a positive part of that -- you know, jsut being my Mama. Don't worry, I turned out okay, and I finally know that I am worthy as a person to be loved and honored, respected, and treated with dignity. I have learned how to laugh and cry from within, and admit when I hurt and get disappointed. I suspect, that somewhere along the track, you missed that yourself; otherwise, you wouldn't have done this to me. Most important of all, I just want you to know that I forgive you.

If anybody else ever reads this blog that has either been in my shoes as a child growing up, if you can take a stand, don't EVER let anybody tell you or do things to you that send messages to you that you are not worthy. Don't believe the lie that you are here to serve and protect the parent! Sadly, this happens in this world every day, but I just want to tell you that they are telling you a lie, and you deserve better. Tell somebody, do what you can to help yourself. I know that as children, often we are stuck in a situation, or believe that we are. In my day, there were no blogs, or internet, or child advocates ... we just did what we were told and didn't ask questions. Your parent likely loves you, and is so caught up in their own dysfunction, that they do not even see what they are doing to you. And, as is the case with my dad, never will, but that is another blog -- maybe several!

If you read this, and you are a parent who expects your child to be there for you instead of the other way around, go get some help for yourself because you need to. No child is deserving of being brought into this world to serve the parent's needs -- that's why you have a husband or wife. Grown ups need to be grown ups and kids need to be kids. Shame on you, because you are doing severe damage to your child, piercing hurt and pain is surrounding them every day, and all so they can take care of you?? You need help, and fast. If you did this to your kids, and they are grown, get a grip on yourself, and go seek forgiveness from that son or daughter -- because they love you no matter what, and covet your love, so they are willing to do just about anything to try to get it, even now. I tried with my own father until I finally realized that his own needs would always be more important to him than even considering mine -- sadly, I had to cut the ties and walk away, and even though I had to do that for myself, I will alway miss that I will never really have a daddy.

I see this in other people's lives sometimes, and I am so saddened that a parent has such a need to control and keep their child, young or grown, for themselves, that they will do ANYTHING to keep the child on a string. Soooo sad, when all you really have to do is love them -- wow, this has been therapeutic for me, but I have probably poured my heart out too much ... I needed to say it for me. I am so thankful to be out of my own prison that I have been trapped in for my whole life! If you have not had to endure such things, rejoice, if you have, find a way out of the valley, and if, like me, you have walked out of the valley into freedom, it is truly time to start living! Living free, being me! I love it!!

Last thought --- had I not been where I have been, I would not be where I am! This has been a long time coming, but now I can leave this on the side of the road and continue on in my journey of genuine health --- good for my soul to embrace the freedom.

Getting back in the groove

Like everything else in life, journeying towards health has its ups and downs. After a long week of struggles, and detours, I am back on the road again.

I was talking with my friend Nitta today, and we were agreeing that if anybody striving to live a healthy lifestyle said they had it all figured out, we would say they were just full of it! This is easy some days, hard on others, and seemingly downright impossible on still others.

Like they say, if you fall down 7 times(and we will), get up 8!

Have a wonderful week, y'all!

Always a new day ...

I love mornings! Each morning is a chance to begin again ... YAY!

For the last week, everything seems to have been off center for me --- eating the right stuff(mostly), but too much, trying to keep my boundaries up(not letting junk in), and having some measure(mainly small) of doubt about my own self worth. Considering I lived in this land of lack of self worth, no thanks to my parents, for my whole life, having a week with off and on periods of self worth issues, is pretty darned good! I don't know if it is hormones, happenings of life, or maybe just part of learning to walk freely in my new found land of being able to be me, whoever I may be, at any given time. Life has it's moments when all does not glitter, but none of that affects who I am in my spirit and soul.

There are still times when what other people do, especially when I question their motives, gets me sidetracked. I forget that what they say and do is them, and that I am unable to change that ... conversely, I don't want their crap and junk to infect my life. It is hard though, sometimes, because the world is full of "players", and regardless of the situation or circumstance, these individuals are always the puppet master of whatever scene they find themselves in. I think what bugs me the most is that this is a STRONG reminder of my father and the narcissistic person he has always been. So, whenever I find myself in a situation where I get a sense of "dad-like" activity, I feel so uncomfortable, and want to exit stage left at the earliest opportunity -- sadly, this is not always an option. There have been a number of these instances in the past week and a half, and I have had to "endure" them, rather than flee, so this may well be the root of my problem ... getting a grip now, working through it, and learning still that I can not control other peoples actions, only my REACTION. Sometimes it is hard being a classy Southern woman, and enduring, but etiquette does demand we do this at times!

On an eating note, gonna try some "skinny noodles' this week -- I love the tofu ones, and thought all were the same -- didn't realize that there was a kind made of some sort of root -- Konnyaku fiber, to be specific --- these actually have zero calories!

And, was really proud of myself last night! We had dinner at a Mexican restaurant last night - they are not known for healthy choices, in case you don't realize this. I brought some items from home to help me out ... fresh tomatoes and chopped green onions, minced garlic, and sliced jalapeno peppers ... 2% shredded cheddar cheese ... reduced fat cream cheese. After much detailed review of the menu, I settled on shrimp fajitas, which came with a salad and refried beans. I gave away the half of my beans that had cheese on them, and only ate half of the half I had left. Then, I added my veggies and a sprinkling of cheese to their lettuce, and switched out their sour cream for mine. Ate the guacamole(mufa's!!), and instead of making 2 fajitas, I just pinched off a few pieces of tortilla and ate them with my shrimp, onions, and bell peppers mix -- and only ate about half of the shrimp mixture. All in all, this was a huge "eating out" victory!!

Well, gotta run -- places to go and things to do today!

Where Have I Been?

All is well! Life has been wild and crazy the past couple of weeks, and guess what? So has my journey ... seems like everything is off center from my eating to my emotions ... hence, no blogging. I hope to be back tomorrow ... exhausted tonight!

Aah, Easter Sunday, time for remembering my Christian heritage by observing the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ so that I might come to know Him and live my life hopefully pleasing to Him. This is the main reason I celebrated Easter, of course, but there are other things that come to mind, mainly the reminder through Jesus Christ, that life itself is all about making mistakes, experiencing the consequences, and seeking and receiving forgiveness, and the chance to renew and start again.

Isn't that also what happens every day when we wake up in the morning -- a new dawn, a new day, and a new chance to do it over again, but hopefully learn from any mistakes from the day before? And, the chance to take the new and positive things we have learned, and carry forth, enjoying the fruits of that labor of learning?

Each new day, I realize that what I did yesterday, is gone, and what I do today is for now ... if it is good and positive, I can incorporate the positive aspects into my soul and share with others what I have learned. For me, part of the learning curve has been to realize that just because it works for me, does not mean it works for you. Some things do, of course, but some are life lessons and changes meant for me to benefit from. So, enjoy the new birth that comes with remembering what God did for us through His son, Jesus Christ, and the knowledge that Spring itself bring about the opportunity for us all to renew and be renewed.

How does this fit in my health journey, I asked myself. Well, today, I have new choices and I have the option of making the good, postive health choices that benefit me or to make any number of choice with the opposite result. I am finally beginning to understand how responsible I am for my heath and well being choices. This has been a lifetime coming, but I embrace the challenge and look forward to reaching even higher than even my own imagination can dream!

I was able to enjoy my family today, which always brings me inner peace and strength at the same time. When I have the pleasure of having us all together, I always reflect as I look at the children(and I guess now they will know I do it if they read my blog) on what a wonder it is to be the vessel that God uses to bring life into this world, and then to have the privilege of nurturing them and watching them grow, only to become strong, independent, and loving human beings in their own right. "Wow," I always think, "You actually entrusted me with one of your own creations, God!" The flip side of this, as a parent, is that you tend to think of all the mistakes you made, but mistakes bring change, and growth, for parents and child, and in the end, I think they know, as they have always known, if you truly love and honor them.

From an eating perspective, I enjoyed fresh, wholesome food today for the first time in my life on Easter Sunday!! ANOTHER FIRST!! No, ham or grease or junk today, only the purest and best for me and mine, and I held the salt -- another first! I grilled boneless, skinless chicken breasts, marinated in olive oil, fresh lemon juice and zest, fresh rosemary, and garlic. Delicious!! I had steamed fresh yellow squash, zucchini, baby carrots, and asparagus mix, seasoned with Mrs. Dash. Then fresh salad, with homemade light ranch dressing(that way you can at least control some of what is in there) and a new balsamic vinaigrette. There were also mashed potatoes, from red potatoes, and an ever so small amt of Smart Balance spread, and skim milk. The entire meal was quite healthy, and we enjoyed it, and won't go to bed needing an Alka Seltzer or a Zantac tonight!!

So, I give myself stars for celebrating my first holiday in a totally healthy manner!!!! YAY FOR ME!!!

I may be back ...

Dinner was good! I tried a new twist -- added some finely diced shredded carrots to my turkey hamburger steaks -- had the fresh green beans, and ended up cutting up potatoes and putting them in with the beans -- family all enjoyed the meal!

Life is funny -- this time last week, hubby and I were meeting our adult children and looking forward to a family dinner, and spending time together. I came home and got "sick as a dog"!

Today is the FIRST day I have felt anything like myself -- I finally ate a baked sweet potato and an organic cracker without medication! Woohoo!!!!

My journey to health got derailed this past week, but when I was coherent, I was thinking how far I really have come as it pertains to my food choices -- given the choice, I will rarely choose beef or pork now, love fresh fruit and veggies, no diet sodas, real whole grain bread, brown rice, whole wheat pastas, Silk milk, and the mufa's of course!! Believe me, that is a far cry from fried pork chops, greasy everything, and loads of sodium.

My biggest struggle now is establishing portion control -- this is what I am working on now and will probably be for a while -- learning to get up from the table. You can have too much of even the good stuff!!

Had a lot of health problems last year and gained back some of my lost weight, which was very depressing and discouraging -- is so easy to be hard on myself if I am not careful, but I know the spirit with which I do take this journey, so I don't consider it failure, just a detour. Such is life! The main thing I have learned in the past year is that my goal is never totally achievable, because health is a never ending process!

Might post later -- off to make a real dinner for the first time in a week -- hamburger steak(but with 98% lean ground turkey, fresh veggies(steamed), and maybe a small baked potato!!